Mundane Human Needs
by yOyOoo
Summary: Right, so in breaking dawn, bella talks about 'no more mundane human needs' during her and edward's second honey moon. But did sm ever explore all those needs? Funny one shots. Read and review please! "complete" 'till I get new inspiration :D
1. BATHROOM EXPERIENCE

**My first fanfic. Please read and review!**

So there I was, waiting for Edward to come home from his hunting trip. Being me, my homework was already done, and Charlie had been fed. Nothing was left for me to do… except maybe have another human moment before Edward arrived. I went to relieve my very full bladder.

I usually took a long time in the bathroom, especially when having to do a certain number two, which was now the case, so I had arranged my Austen collection on a shelf beside the sink. Sitting down to do my business, I picked out a book randomly and started reading.

I was so deep into Mr Darcy's love declaration that I didn't notice him come in. Comfortably seated on the toilet, I suddenly jumped 10 kilometres into the air when I heard a musical, velvety voice right next to me.

"Enjoying yourself?"

Red blood tinted my cheeks as I took in his grinning face. I was utterly shocked and embarrassed.

"Edward!" I screeched -lucky Charlie was out with Billy- "Get out! What are you doing here? I'm pooing for goodness sake!" It was out of my mouth before I could even think of what I was saying. I blushed an even deeper red.

Edward just laughed, and turned around to give me some well-deserved privacy. Just before he closed the door, he faced me, amusement clear in his eyes.

"You were taking such a long time, love, that I was wondering if everything was okay. I was hearing some very strange noises coming from the bathroom."

No! My embarassement would have exploded if that were possible! I was going to stay on this toilet seat much, much longer. It would take some time before I could compose myself to face him again.

**If any of you know about other mundane needs I could write about, please ldet me know! Thanks for reading!**


	2. IN MY TRUCK

**A big thanks to twilightaddict270, Chloe.**** D. Twilight and Vulpine Vixi for my first three reviews ever, and for some great ideas. You really encouraged me to continue.**

I was in my truck on my way to school. I hadn't seen Edward last night, due to the fact that he was away on a hunting trip. I really missed him, but I cheered myself up by knowing that I would soon be seeing him.

As I pulled into the parking lot, I scanned all the cars around me to look for the shiny Volvo. It wasn't there. That was odd. They usually arrived before me. Disappointment flooded through me, as I realised there was a possibility that it might be sunny later today. I sighed. This was going to be a long day.

I suddenly felt a certain urge to burp, and as far as I knew, I couldn't push it back. So I just let it out. But at the same time I sneezed, which was kind of problematic. The sound that came out of me at that moment was something like a snort trying to be contained and a burp followed by a high-pitched "tscheew".

As I slowly recovered from this sudden turn of events, I saw two pale figures right in front of my truck. Alice and Edward were laughing their heads off so hard that if it weren't for the fact that they were vampires who had an extremely good balance, they would be rolling on the floor. I must have missed their car.

As always, on a moment like this, I blushed deeply, and I covered by face with my hands, trying to hide my embarrassment. Classic. Just when something awkward happened, those mocking vampires were here to see it, and when I thought I had achieved something memorable, something to be proud of, they were away hunting.

I peeked up through my fingers and Edward was suddenly sitting beside me, with Alice standing by the open door at his side. They still had clear grins on their faces.

"Urgh, Edward! Alice! Why did you have to be here just when that happened?"

"Oh I'd already seen it", said Alice so cheerfully that I glared at her, "but I wanted Edward to see it, too!"

"Alice!" I moaned "How could you do that to - …" but I couldn't continue. Something had obscured my airways, and suddenly a very loud hiccough protruded out of me.

The two vampires doubled up laughing again, loud and booming from Edward, high and giggling from Alice. Would by bad luck never end?

**There you go. I added a few things together so make it more comical, so I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading!**


	3. DISASTER PREDATE

**Ok, here's another one. Hope you like it!**** In my imagination, it takes place during Eclipse…**

Tonight Edward was taking me to dinner, so that we could discuss our marriage. He would be taking me back to his house after for a sleep-over with Alice… As far as Charlie knew, Edward and his family would be camping again, and Alice would be staying at home. Except that it was Edward staying, and the rest of his family going away on a hunting trip.

I was really looking forward to our date, less to the fact that Edward would be paying for me than being all alone with him afterwards. I wanted to take our relationship to the next level BEFORE we got married, so I kept trying to persuade him. Tonight would be just the occasion to do that.

To get my way, I had decided to try to make myself irresistible to him,something that was going to be quite hard. I was still mystified to how Edward, the beautiful, god-like vampire could be attracted, to the simple, accident-prone human that was me.

I decided first to take a shower, and then wax my bikini line. I hadn't done that in a long time.

I was always reluctant to remove the wax, because it hurt so much. When I finally decided it couldn't be as bad as I remembered it, I tore the thing off in one go.

"Ooowwwwwwwwww" I screeched "It hurts! It hurts! It HURTS!"

Charlie burst in. Oh no.

"Bella! Wha- What's going on?" His eyes travelled from me, in my towel, to my hand, where I held my wax, to the sink, where my panties for the occasion lay innocently.

"Ummm…" I could feel my head heating up. I was on fire.

Charlie backed out of the bathroom, wide-eyed and shocked, still staring at my underwear.

I wouldn't be able to feel comfortable with him for the rest of my life. My bikini-line still stung.

**There you go. I added Charlie to the story 'cos I thought it might add to the funny side. Please tell me what you think!**


	4. LITTLE ACCIDENT

**Thank you so much to everybody who added me to their favourites, and thanks to ****Vulpine Vixi for her great idea. Some credit goes to her :D Hope you like the next chapter!**

I loved reading. Besides being with Edward, it was my favourite thing to do. I loved stretching out on the lawn, reading Austen classics. Sometimes, I also went on internet to read fan fiction. It always cheered me up. Some of the things people came up with was hilarious. It made me feel connected with them, sharing stories and comments.

I was sitting in front of my desk, sifting through the different plots, and stopped at a promising looking story. As I was reading, I started laughing. This story was really funny. At a certain point, I was bent double, grabbing my stomach trying to keep myself together.

A voice being me said "Bella, are you okay? Are you in pain? Should I call Carlisle?"

I jumped up. I hadn't heard him come in. The expression on his face made me laugh even harder, and soon I was throwing a hysterical fit of giggles. In between those giggles I started snorting, which made me cry because I was laughing so hard. I was starting to have difficulties to breathe.

Suddenly, I felt something wet trickling down between my legs. Oh. NO. No way. Now I was in a frenzied panic, which made Edward even more upset. But then a grin flashed across his face as he sniffed in the air.

"Bella… did you do a pee-pee in your panties?" And then he burst out laughing.

Damn those stupid human reflexes. My fit had made me wet myself.

**Okay, this chapter is quite short. Nevertheless, I hope you liked it.**

**Thanks to all those who reviewed and added the story to their favourites!**

**xxx**


	5. MONTHLIES

**Ok so here's another one. Thankyou everybody for your lovely reviews!**

This was just one of those days where everything went wrong. I really was a magnet for bad luck…

So, for one, it just HAD to be sunny today, of all days! I had gym today, and without Edward or Alice to help me, I was completely lost. I tripped and fell and smashed the ball in our own goal. Even Mike was distant. But I guess that was just because of Edward. He had scared Mike off, somehow…

Secondly, driving in my truck, the engine suddenly went dead. '_Luckily' _I was only out of gas, and didn'tget Edward another excuse to replace my perfectly working truck… hum hum…

After I had found the petrol that I always had stored in the back, in case of emergencies just like this one (you just never knew, with me) , I headed home, sick of today's bad luck. When I eventually got home, I headed towards the bathroom. Human moment...

Then, pulling down my panties, I saw something red. Gah! Blood! … Crap! Here we go again… my bloody (literally) fluids… yay…

I looked around, trying to locate my tampons, and saw the last empty packet lying there innocently. Oh. No.

So I was sitting there, wondering what to do, when I heard Edward's voice coming from the other side of the door.

"Bella, love, are you okay?"

I was glad he had learned not to come bursting in, after what happened last time…

I sighed.

"I'm fine, really" The idea of asking Edward to go buy me some tampons made blood come rushing to my cheeks.

"Bella, what is it?" Edward asked, seeing through my pretense.

"Umm, well, actually, it's just that, umm, _i'verunoutoftampons_" I blubbered out so quickly, that I wondered if he had actually understood.

"Oh" … Long pause. Apparently he had. "Well do you want me to, umm" cough "go get some?" cough cough.

"Yes please" I squeaked.

"Right, umm, I'll be right back…"

So there I sat again, waiting, while my body temperature returned to normal.

…

He was taking an awfully long time. I was on the loo for nearly half an hour before I heard Charlie coming through the front door.

"Bella?"

"I'm on the toilet, dad"

"Oh" He, too, had learned to stay away while I was in the bathroom.

Five minutes later, I heard a timid rap on the door. Finally!

"Umm, bella, umm here, I've got your.." cough cough.

"Thankyou" I said, grateful "What took you so long?"

"umm.. I didn't know which to take… sorry"

At that, I had to laugh, very hard.

When I had made all the adjustments necessary, I was ready to get off the toilet. But when I tried, Ifound my butt was glued to the seat.

Ohoh…

So I tried to stand up fast.

"_"_

"OUUUUUUUUUUUUCHHHHHCCHHH!" I cried

Now it was Edward's turn to laugh.

**Okay so I wrote this kind of fast… but hope you like it!**

**Tell me what you think please, cos I'm not really sure about this piece of writing.\**


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